Day 39: Thoughts On Fear

July 23rd, 2024

Mile Marker: 838.9

Miles Hiked: 25

Waking up this morning felt difficult. I didn’t realize how big of a day yesterday was until I stopped and woke up this morning. My body felt tired. We slept in a touch, caught a little of this morning’s sunrise and were out by 7:30.

The route immediately took us out on a climb with open views and no trail. We found ourselves bushwhacking for a while until we suddenly saw a trail or would be walking on a trail that would suddenly disappear.

We are starting to get good at seeing a slightly worn path to follow.

It’s gorgeous, I just wish I could walk and enjoy the view instead of being glued to my phone or having to watch where I step so I don’t twist an ankle.

I could feel myself starting to get frustrated as the flies also started to come out with the rising sun. Ugh. I was not in the mood for flies and route finding again.

Also side note, Journey’s shirt stretches out when wet and has been worn for a few days. It’s now a nice dress on him. 😂

As the morning continued, the worse the flies became. To the point of having to swat at our legs almost continuously while walking. Journey asked if I wanted any bug spray, but last time we tried, it didn’t work, they still some how swarm. They are worse than mosquitos because they latch on while you walk or even if there is a breeze. Mosquitos won’t land on you if you keep moving or have a nice wind.

I felt myself getting more and more frustrated and around noon I found a shaded tree and we decided to stop for lunch as the flies didn’t seem bad.

Wrong, I so wrong. The flies appeared out of thin air and we were swamped, I thought I was going to lose my mind. As I put a bite of food in my mouth they would swarm and dive bomb like they wanted in too.

Journey then decided to set up our tent so we could have a breather and once we opened the doors and got in, about 20 made it in with us. So we then spent the next 10 minutes killing them.

I was mentally fatigued. I sat with tears in my eyes, how do we get rid of them!?

We ate lunch, rested our eyes for a short bit, then got back out. We had a big afternoon ahead of us.

The second half of our day consisted of going out on the “knife’s edge” of the mountains. We had read multiple comments from the FarOut App that told people they should take the flat road walk alternate instead of the exposed, hard terrain, and steep inclines/declines for the next 12 miles.

I of course imagined the knife’s edge at the end of the AT and felt a little nervous to start the section, but we decided we would go out and see for ourselves.

It was 1:00 PM, extremely hot, and we were risking getting water at a spring 5 miles in that could potentially be dry.

We started out and were sweating like crazy. It was a roller coaster, straight up the mountain and straight down.

We ran into another hiker going NOBO who had hiked both PCT and AT multiple times and is trying to be a double triple crowner on the CDT. He let us know exactly where to go for the water, it wasn’t what the app said. I was so grateful for him. He was also very excited that I was out for my triple crown and gave me a big knucks. It made me have a sense of pride. It’s always nice to have people rooting you on.

The rest of the day consisted of going up and down and massive wide views.

I was glad we didn’t take the gravel road because these views were incredible and… it was nothing like I imagined, if anything it was easier than I imagined.

The trail also followed a fence for the whole time, showing the border between Montana and Idaho. Constantly going back and forth between two states.

Journey and I listened to our book for a while and we both talked about how wild it felt out here, how we were in the middle of no where. Not a soul in sight.

Then we spotted two cow looking horses and an insane amount of sheep alongside the mountain eating.

We noticed their shepherd and his dogs ran towards us barking, thankfully they let us pass and the man waved at us.

We took a short snack break shortly after. We had a breeze and the flies had cooled off for a moment. We could have stayed there for a while but we also wanted to get to camp.

Then I listened to music for a while. During this time I thought about the concept of fear.

We didn’t let the fearmonging comments hold us back today. We went out and saw for ourselves and still made it happen and even though yes it’s hard, oh my, the views are so worth it.

Then I thought about my fear of grizzlies. I try to rationalize with myself that fear keeps us safe but at the same time, I don’t want to be defined by fear. I’ve been telling myself that I am doing and taking all the precautions that I can. I carry bear spray, we holler if needed, we don’t eat at camp, we have odor proof bags, taking all the steps that have been told to us.

I understand that being out here is a risk. There are potential dangers but I don’t want fear to keep me from doing the things I want, to prevent me from being me. Sometimes my fear of things are to keep me safe and sometimes they extend to the point that prevent me from being authentically me.

Whether trying to hike a snowy traverse, speak my differing thoughts in class, walk in bear country, engage in public speaking, or have hard conversations with loved ones, I want to continue to push forward and keep fear in its place. I thought about a verse my grandmother shared with me before leaving, Isaiah 41:13.

I’m proud that I’ve made it this far despite my fears and if something were to happen, I was out here daring greatly, putting myself in the arena choosing to not let fear define me but instead acknowledging it, taking a deep breath, being aware, and continuing on.

It’s a beautiful world, even if the flies are insane. Look at this…

For the last 3 miles we had a continuous downhill trek which was steep in areas but mostly flowy.

I slid to my butt a few times due to no tread on my shoes so Journey gave me one of his trekking poles since I’ve only been using one (the other broke!).

We made it to camp later than usual but since we are in wide open spaces, the sunlight lasted longer so we could have time to finish dinner before dark.

It was a very long day but one that was worth it. We go into town tomorrow morning!

Iz and Oz